Silent Wounds
For several weeks now, I have been working on this reflection about silent wounds. This topic is so important that I knew I had to take all the time it needed to get the actual stories correct as well as capturing the emotions behind them. Physical wounds are obvious; we can see when someone has a broken arm, black eye, or a cut on their face. Those are wounds that we know are going to heal in time and our bodies will be restored. God placed within us the amazing ability for the body to heal itself with proper care. Emotional, spiritual, and mental wounds are silent killers that we know exist; we just can't see them in anyone but ourselves. In some cases, even we can't see the wounds that are killing us.
I recently got an email from a wife who shared with me her story of what her family went through dealing with her husband's gambling addiction. This is a prominent family in the community that had lost everything, yet no one knew it. The pain and embarrassment was almost too much for her to carry around. She said that they were three months behind on the mortgage and she feared that any day their utilities were going to be cut off. In her mind, it was impossible to share her husband's illness because in her few attempts to talk with others about it, all people would say is "dump the bastard and save your family.”
A couple years back I received a message from a lady who was having an affair with her high school sweetheart. Because they were only able to see each other every other month, she felt it would not pose any serious threat to her family and marriage. This charade went on for three years until one day her husband died of a massive heart attack. The guilt of that affair was tough enough, but the lover she thought she knew suddenly lost all interest in the affair for fear she would now want more of him, which would destroy his family. It would be easy for anyone reading this to say "she got what she deserved;" however, I say her silent wound will surely destroy her spirit and creativity if left untreated.
A young man wrote me last month to share with me that his marriage of only one year was eating at his soul because he was gay, always been gay, always will be gay. His hope was that he could somehow place himself into a comfortable role as "normal” (by societal standards) and live out his life as straight. The misery of living a lie was slowly killing him, yet he could not face the embarrassment he would cause his family by coming out. I do not know the outcome of this story, but my fear is that a wound this deep could lead this man to take drastic measures to escape the pain of his life.
You could say that these three lives are extreme situations and maybe they are. Other “smaller” silent wounds are equally painful though, if not worse - the feeling of failure, that my life does not matter, that I am too ugly, too fat, or too skinny, and the list goes on.
What makes silent wounds so difficult to deal with is that most people lack the ability to know what to do or say when faced with someone suffering from them. Some people might use the old standard "God would not give you more than you could handle;" try telling that to the parent or family member of someone who just committed suicide. While I would never advocate enabling people to continue their destructive behavior nor do I attempt to offer professional counsel, but what I do say is that we have to understand that we are mistake-prone people. We live our lives in such a way that risk is all around us. For the sake of sanity, we have to figure how to live with ourselves and all of our dents and dings so that we can develop into the awe-inspiring person we are meant to be if only we met our potential.
We cannot live someone else's life for them, and we damn sure can't expect someone else to live our life for us. If we believe, and I hope we do, that we were God created, that means that we have within us certain abilities to adapt and overcome. The question becomes then what is crying out within us that we need to overcome. I am confident that God did not expect each of us to fit perfectly into society’s norms. Societal laws, yes we must conform to them, but we have to also be willing to take risks; we have to step out and be different; we have to be the best "ME" we can be. People are driven over the edge when they get labeled as being something other than what a specific person, group, or family deems they should be. The silent wound opens slowly and then spreads like wildfire until it totally consumes someone. What is left is often a criminal or someone acting out in desperation. We refuse to take our share of the responsibility for opening some of these wounds; I say let's take responsibility for helping close them.
Silent wounds are real - the lonely person that no one wants around, the person too ashamed to walk into the church full of beautiful people because they don’t have the fashions to fit in, and you can include whatever silent wound is tearing at your heart and soul. I want you to know that the thousands of people who read this blog really do want to make a difference. They truly do want to offer an expression of love and hope. This is now read in more than 20 countries, so I doubt many of you will ever see each other, but please understand that just the unity of knowing that others out there also carry wounds that need to be healed too will comfort your soul.
This is just the beginning, the tide is turning. Many people have expressed that they do not like the style in which I write and I certainly appreciate their view, but I will continue to promote peace, love, forgiveness, and the acceptance of people. I will promote how we all have a spot in this wonderful kingdom. I will work to heal the silent wounds we all carry.
In closing let me include a quote from the great Harriet Beecher Stowe; "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
peace to you
Dale
I recently got an email from a wife who shared with me her story of what her family went through dealing with her husband's gambling addiction. This is a prominent family in the community that had lost everything, yet no one knew it. The pain and embarrassment was almost too much for her to carry around. She said that they were three months behind on the mortgage and she feared that any day their utilities were going to be cut off. In her mind, it was impossible to share her husband's illness because in her few attempts to talk with others about it, all people would say is "dump the bastard and save your family.”
A couple years back I received a message from a lady who was having an affair with her high school sweetheart. Because they were only able to see each other every other month, she felt it would not pose any serious threat to her family and marriage. This charade went on for three years until one day her husband died of a massive heart attack. The guilt of that affair was tough enough, but the lover she thought she knew suddenly lost all interest in the affair for fear she would now want more of him, which would destroy his family. It would be easy for anyone reading this to say "she got what she deserved;" however, I say her silent wound will surely destroy her spirit and creativity if left untreated.
A young man wrote me last month to share with me that his marriage of only one year was eating at his soul because he was gay, always been gay, always will be gay. His hope was that he could somehow place himself into a comfortable role as "normal” (by societal standards) and live out his life as straight. The misery of living a lie was slowly killing him, yet he could not face the embarrassment he would cause his family by coming out. I do not know the outcome of this story, but my fear is that a wound this deep could lead this man to take drastic measures to escape the pain of his life.
You could say that these three lives are extreme situations and maybe they are. Other “smaller” silent wounds are equally painful though, if not worse - the feeling of failure, that my life does not matter, that I am too ugly, too fat, or too skinny, and the list goes on.
What makes silent wounds so difficult to deal with is that most people lack the ability to know what to do or say when faced with someone suffering from them. Some people might use the old standard "God would not give you more than you could handle;" try telling that to the parent or family member of someone who just committed suicide. While I would never advocate enabling people to continue their destructive behavior nor do I attempt to offer professional counsel, but what I do say is that we have to understand that we are mistake-prone people. We live our lives in such a way that risk is all around us. For the sake of sanity, we have to figure how to live with ourselves and all of our dents and dings so that we can develop into the awe-inspiring person we are meant to be if only we met our potential.
We cannot live someone else's life for them, and we damn sure can't expect someone else to live our life for us. If we believe, and I hope we do, that we were God created, that means that we have within us certain abilities to adapt and overcome. The question becomes then what is crying out within us that we need to overcome. I am confident that God did not expect each of us to fit perfectly into society’s norms. Societal laws, yes we must conform to them, but we have to also be willing to take risks; we have to step out and be different; we have to be the best "ME" we can be. People are driven over the edge when they get labeled as being something other than what a specific person, group, or family deems they should be. The silent wound opens slowly and then spreads like wildfire until it totally consumes someone. What is left is often a criminal or someone acting out in desperation. We refuse to take our share of the responsibility for opening some of these wounds; I say let's take responsibility for helping close them.
Silent wounds are real - the lonely person that no one wants around, the person too ashamed to walk into the church full of beautiful people because they don’t have the fashions to fit in, and you can include whatever silent wound is tearing at your heart and soul. I want you to know that the thousands of people who read this blog really do want to make a difference. They truly do want to offer an expression of love and hope. This is now read in more than 20 countries, so I doubt many of you will ever see each other, but please understand that just the unity of knowing that others out there also carry wounds that need to be healed too will comfort your soul.
This is just the beginning, the tide is turning. Many people have expressed that they do not like the style in which I write and I certainly appreciate their view, but I will continue to promote peace, love, forgiveness, and the acceptance of people. I will promote how we all have a spot in this wonderful kingdom. I will work to heal the silent wounds we all carry.
In closing let me include a quote from the great Harriet Beecher Stowe; "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."
peace to you
Dale
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