She walked into my life

Several times over the years I have written about a lady named Jennifer that I met while going through cancer treatment. Jennifer was 47 years old when I met her and she was suffering from stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I only spoke to her for less than one hour that initial meeting and then a few times on the phone over the next three weeks. That short amount of time had a HUGE impact on my life. Jennifer died 3 weeks after we met and I was able to talk to her one hour prior to her passing. Her sister would later tell me that I was the last person she wanted to talk to.

For years I have searched for the WHY Jennifer briefly walked into and out of my life. The impact was enormous I can say that much, but the why I am still searching for. I understand that people enter our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime, the difficulty for us is to know which it is. A couple weeks ago another person walked into my life and I am searching for the why again. Is it to help me or me to help her or for a long lost friendship to find a new meaning. Regardless of the why, I will just allow it to manifest for now.

Today I reflected back on Jennifer's life, or what I knew of it. She had a tough life, certainly had no money, and had been through more than one divorce. She was not the model citizen as she would tell me, but what she was to me was a walking saint. I so wish everyone could stop evaluating whether people are good or bad and just see that the Jennifer's of the world are here for a reason. At the end of her life she wasn't reflecting back on the bad, she was looking for new ways to live and appreciate every single minute. She had love in her heart that few understand. 

That reflection today brought up another brief conversation I had with a dear friend. The topic of money and social status. The great divide of which our society has created. It is not so bad if you are on the low side but if you have been on the high side of society and slid down the pole it can be devastating. But situations, like people, happen for a reason. That slide down the pole gives us a birds eye view of what we were and how we treated others. Money often times creates an altar ego in people which in turn makes them feel entitled to privileges not available to the people at the bottom. Sometimes, but not always, money robs people of their love for humanity, their humility and ability to feel heart felt pain and emotion in others. The material world in and of itself blots out love and replaces it with hostility. 

Sure, I know the money people are the movers and shakers. They are the one's everyone wants to call for building projects, fund raisers, board memberships, etc. That too creates the power and entitlement. We do not need a million dollar donation from a power hungry someone that needs their picture spread over the newspaper, what we need are millions of people at the bottom willing to lend a hand to help make a heartfelt difference. The true movers and shakers are the bottom feeders, the very people Jesus came to share his life journey with. 

As my mind still swirls with thoughts of Jennifer I am reminded that I, like you, have no idea the heart of people close to us. I do not know your internal struggles, nor do you know mine. I have no idea if you are able to dream, find hope, or are you merely trying to get through the day. Life can be so painful when we are too consumed with what yesterday looked like. Jennifer told me one hour prior to dying that "if you do not have hope in your future you cannot have power in the present". She was convicted, she convicted me. My past, like most peoples, is full of stains, mishaps, heart breaks, bad choices, as well as some good times. The common theme though is this, it is in the past. I cannot change it but I can use it to have hope in the future which will give me power in the present. 

I try to live life on my terms, a life without limits, yet a life filled with love and humility. I want the finer things, not materialistically, I want true happiness. A heartfelt joy to the core of my soul. I want to be free to be me. Whatever that looks like I search for the meaning of my life with a freedom to dream. My hope is in my love in the lowest places I can find it. Jesus never allowed himself to rise to the top accept the day he was hung on a cross. His place was at the bottom, why? Because that is where he could help the most people. The view from the top is AWESOME but only if it is viewed with others you have helped to climb the mountain. 

Let me close this crazy blog post with a few lines from one of my favorite Elvis songs:

But this time, lord you gave me a mountain
A mountain you know I may never climb
It isn't just a hill any longer
You gave me a mountain this time

I do not know if your hill looks like a mountain or not. You may never climb your hill if you view it as a mountain, regardless how tall or how steep just know this, one step at a time no matter how small will edge you closer to the dream you thought you would never see. 

Have such a belief in yourself that your power in the present is obvious

peace and love

Dale