Voices in our head

Every day we see in the obituaries where people in our geographic location have died. Most folks, me included, scroll through to see if they recognize a name. Every now and then, especially as we get older, we tend to find a past connection to someone. When that happens we usually read through the obit and see the cookie cutter brief summation of a life that leaves out the actual person. Follow me on a journey through life and death.

The Obit was rather simple "Jeremy Edward Temple" born July 5th, 1958, went home to be with the Lord June 20th 2013. It goes on to fill in the blanks of his time on earth with information such as his children, grandchildren, wife, job, volunteer functions, etc. The obit is well written. At the visitation the usual crowd marches through with comments like "well he sure looks good" or "thank goodness he isn't suffering any longer". All are well meaning, run of the mill, tried and true cliches that have been pasted around for decades if not centuries. Lost in all this is the person, Eddie T, as friends so passionately referred to him.

Eddie T, was without a doubt the life of the party, he lit up a room like no one else. His smile and absolute warmth was infectious. Eddie T was one of those people that everyone enjoyed being around. I lost touch with Eddie T early in life, however I would always hear something about him every once and awhile. He and his wife Jessie had two boys and I gathered that they were the light of their lives. Eddie T also loved being involved in church social work. His passion was working with people in various stages of recovery. Everyone that I have ever spoken to about Eddie T only had amazing things to say about him, everyone except Eddie T.

The voices in his head started demonizing him early in life. He tried to escape them as best he could but struggled mightily. In the late 60's through the early to mid 70's it wasn't very popular to discuss mental or emotional issues. Eddie's getaway was always in a crowd of friends where he felt welcome and a part of something bigger than himself. Once the party dispersed and he was left to himself the voices would begin telling him how evil he was, as was the world around him. I have to give credit to Eddie, right here and now, he never mentioned the voices he was dealing with until many years later.

When he was leaving the July 4th party at a family friends house, according to others, he had drink a little to much. No one was overly concerned beings Eddie should have been used to driving drunk by now, it was his favorite past time. This night for some reason was different. Eddie relived that evening with me in great detail. He said prior to leaving the party the voices in his head had become so active he could not runaway. All he wanted was to be accepted as he was, whatever that meant. I'm not entirely sure Eddie knew what or who he was. As I listened I felt no need to reply or dive deeper, this was his moment to talk. Naturally I had questions but my own voices were telling me to be patient and listen. Eddie said that one voice demanded that he leave the party immediately and go straight home and tell his wife that he DID NOT love her. The other voice was screaming back that he would be a fool to do so. Somewhere in the middle was Eddie himself trying as best he could to ascertain where to find a brief element of sanity that could hopefully guide him out of the mess he was in.

Based on Eddie's story he left the party around 9:30, not too late by most accounts. As he turned on Pearl Ave for the 4.5 mile drive home, the traffic was abnormally light. Possibly due to the holiday or maybe even the fact that it was drizzling rain. Regardless he was comforted in that it should have been a peaceful drive. Just seconds into his journey the voices begin bickering at a fever pitch. "You suck if you can't admit to yourself who you really are", "no no you should never admit that, it will be the end of your life as  you know it. Just because you are a horrible individual doesn't mean you have to go around telling everyone". "No one likes you anyway you sorry piece of trash, surely you don't think you are hiding who you are from your friends. They have always known about you, they just feel sorry for you and include you in their functions". "That's not true and you know it, you have friends, but only because they don't know the real you. If you were to tell the truth about your life you would be in jail. Never say a word, listen to me". The voices were shouting so loud and fast that Eddie was literally out of control.

He was so distracted he never even noticed the traffic light. Eddie drove right through a red light and caught the side of truck crossing the intersection. Thankfully no one was seriously injured but Eddie T was arrested for DUI and cited for a couple other violations. All the sudden the cracks in his armor slowly displayed the darkness that had encompassed his life. This isn't where the story ends, this is where it begins. Before we go much further, think about the voices in your head. Are they leading you into rough waters or safely on the shore?

The church council decided that Eddie T was a risk and asked him to step down from his many functions. The very institution that gave him hope was now taking it away from him. This one act probably hurt him the most. Of all places he felt his church community would embrace him.  His wife, as wonderful as she was, also faced being ostracized from her many social groups. The boys struggled with embarrassment with their friends as well. In Eddie T's mind the voices were right, he was nothing but trash.  The drinking escalated, the voices kept shouting, and his life continued to decline. Friends had all but drifted away, his church, in his eyes, abandoned him, at this point his life had no meaning to anyone. I think you will admit that we have all faced life defining moments we wished we could have back. Maybe not as bad as what Eddie T faced or maybe worse, only you know that answer. Either way, life and time do not stand still. We have to face the sand in the hourglass one way or another. Eddie couldn't do it, hopefully you can.

When I got the news of Eddie T's sudden death from a massive heart attack I decided to reflect back on the lessons we can all gleam. This isn't about Eddie T, it is about each of us. We all have the voices in our head working over time to convince us of this or that. Seldom, do we have the opportunity to simply feel great about how we are. When our heart, mind, body, and soul are out of sync we lose the ability to feel and give love. Eddie was surrounded by more love than he could ever imagine yet he never once felt or accepted it. His voices were constantly trying to tell him that he was something that he wasn't. My hope is this, let's somehow someway accept each other as we are. No one reading this has lived an unblemished life. We all have that chapter we HOPE is never read aloud. We are all sinners seeking a passionate path through life. It is our humanity that causes us to stumble and it is that same humanity that gives us the opportunity to love, forgive, accept and help others as they stumble to find light in an otherwise dark life.

We can all learn from stories like Eddie T, life isn't just a paragraph in a newspaper obit, oh no, it is so much more. We all struggle in various ways to align those voices in our head. I hope and pray that as a human body we can all come to see that each person we come in contact with deserves to be loved. We have no idea the battles others fight, and God knows we certainly have plenty of our own. We can't escape the demons in life but we can learn to silence them. Let's make it a point to love people in our circle regardless of the differences we may have. When love is our guiding force hope seems to permeate our soul. Let's not allow mistakes to define us let's come together and allow them to help us grow in new and beautiful ways. Eddie T, my friend, your life mattered.

God bless
Dale