A Doctrine of Love and Hope

This morning I was in my storage unit going through books.  I was sifting through the mounds of debris and ran across something rather unusual. I found a diary, with writings written in June 1999. I fumbled page by page to see if it was another boring documentary of someone's pseudo feelings. You know, those writings that are private yet you really hope the right person finds it.

That diary, combined with my months of silence built the foundation for this blog. I have struggled since July 2018 with advanced metastatic prostate cancer. I have been through chemo, lost my bladder, and I have an external kidney drain on my left side. I literally have bags on both sides of my body. In addition I am on high levels of hormone deprivation therapy. The intent is to rob my body of testosterone in the hopes of slowing the cancer. To say this has changed my life is an understatement. The things I loved such as running and swimming with my buddies is no longer possible. The career I loved is essentially gone beings I can't do physical activity. My life has been redefined in ways I could never have imagined. Is it my albatross to hold me back. I think not, it created a vast opportunity to see life that I was totally blind to.

The lady in the book, we will call her Ruth, was struggling deeply with a love she could not have. I am gathering the other man was married, however it was obvious that he fed her lies constantly. It became crystal clear to me, and I hope it does to you as well, that I cannot see life through anyone else's eyes but my own. I felt as though I could feel her hands shaking as she wrote. She wasn't simply writing words on paper, she was screaming out for help. The more I got engrossed in her words the more my heart hurt for her. She was a deeply wounded soul, dying a death she could not share with anyone. She died while alive. She was the embodiment of the walking dead. Can you relate to that feeling?

She obviously was a church going person. There were several entries to where she would talk about the message the pastor spoke and she worked in desperation to apply it to her life. Her last entry was a letter she wrote to her lover. She concluded that she could not have him, yet she could not stop loving him. Her heart was pounding, her tears were flowing, she had accepted the fact that love was one sided and life held no meaning. It was honestly painful for me to read, but nothing compared to the pain she felt writing it. She tried applying what she learned in scripture as well as what she learned in church. She felt, her words, "God has no place for me". Friends, that is a dark hole, a hole so deep that NO ONE could see the bottom but her. In her eyes I seriously doubt anyone else felt her pain or even cared enough to LISTEN. Their table was full, all the chairs were taken.

None of us have any idea what life looks like behind someone else's shroud.  Most people are more than willing to dish out worthless advice that only has a negative effect on the person hurting. We, yes all of us, inflict pain on the suffering with the intent of helping. You can't walk a mile in anyone's shoes so stop pretending you can. Been there done that, is cliche so worn out that it should be removed from our vocabulary. It ranks up there with "you just need a does of Jesus, that will make your pain go away". That really helps, NOT.

Assume for a minute that everyone you meet is hurting from a pain that isn't visible to you. With that being said let's treat everyone as though we care. It isn't advice most people need, they just need someone who acts like they care. That can come in the form of listening, caring, hugging or just being available.

I realize that you are hurting to. I believe with all my heart that there are pages in your book of life that you are ashamed of and hope they never get read. That doesn't make you bad,  it makes you human. Even though some may see or know your scarlet letter, do not allow that to be the anchor that holds you back. Everyone, yes that includes you, has a skeleton locked away. Like I always say, we are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners to it. You and I hold the key to the locks that bind some people. It's time to let go of the grudge, the guilt, the envy, the jealousy, the anger and get back to living fully ALIVE.

Cancer changed me forever. I will not lie there are things about this journey that are difficult to deal with. Yet regardless the limitations this has placed on me, I realized I am living a life without limits. Change can force you to grow or die. I chose to live and grow. I see oh so clearly the not so clear struggles that people suffer with everyday. Things like Ruth dealt with, low self image, financial struggles, health issues, and the list goes on and on.

My summation is this, do not hate that which you do not understand and believe me that is most things. Do not think for a second that you know what someone else is dealing with,  you don't. Things that may not affect you could be devastating to others. We marginalize people without even knowing it. We have the ability to change our life and the life of many others. All it requires is inviting more people to the table of love. Gather around friends, not for advice, but to listen and understand. Love unites in a powerful way. Give it a chance, seriously give it a real chance. Don't be the problem, be the solution. Stop wasting precious time blaming, and start blooming.I believe if Ruth had found a shoulder to lean she would still be with us today. 

You and I are here, so pull up a chair.

Thank you for taking time to read and share my blog
Dale Childress